woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers
yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us
When did it seem like a good idea to do pull ups off the balcony? After beer 5 or shot 7?
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
