Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text
I know you're alive
The guy I fucked in the port a poty just called me and asked me on a date!
Awkward!
No he was cute and I said yes!
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.
would you say our friendship is at the "help each other shave animal patterns in each other's pubes" phase?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
I apologize for being mean. I love the blender and your vagina.
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
I know it's just really hard to give up sex and cigs during a blizzard
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
