Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
On that note; HAPPY 21: THE SEQUEL from the back of an ambulance!!
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
Easy Mac and you are the sexiest things in my life
You are driving me to get new toys, i am test driving them on the way home.
We are taking your truck.
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Pray for me.. I'm like the lonely vagina in a sea of sworming dicks
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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