U know its gonna be a great day when the guy at the liquor store waves at u cause u walked by
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The last thing I remember was wearing a sombrero and trying to do cartwheels in the club
You did one successfully. Then smashed into the wall
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
When you wake up with a bow tie and mustache drawn on your penis, you know you had a good night.
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I assure you, it was not a Porn Hub Bee Movie parody.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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