I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
We had sex on the beach. I was completely naked except for my sneakers. That's when you know
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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