Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?
That's okay, it's all protein anyway.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.
I just bought a 1/4 oz of pot from a coworker who's old enough to be my grandfather...I'm never leaving Portland.
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Security showed up because apparently we were fucking too loud.
As your roommate I can attest that y'all do indeed fuck rather loudly
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize