My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on
so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
A German guy asked me to take a bath with him. I can't tell if he's just an eccentric European or a run of the mill creep.
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
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