He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
I just hemmed my dress for halloween, never felt more like a man
You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
mom and dad are asleep. time to fish my half-full bottle of wine out from under my bed and give this christmas visit a pick-me-up.
"half-full" seems a little optimistic for the turn your night is taking.
I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I just fuked with kevins application and made it say that he does conjugal visits for community service
hey some people donate their time while apparently kevin donates his body
well, i found him passed out on a picnic table two miles away with a lit cig in his hand...he had a rough night
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
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