Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong
At least with the last gf I made it clear that I wanted to breakup when I pissed on her floor @ 3am as her roommate watched in contempt
Gave out candy dressed as a porn star...bet you can guess how the mothers kept reacting.
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Idk who invented dominoes cheese steak pizza but I wanna lick their balls
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
I just spent 45 minutes and a really well-put together Power Point trying to convince her to use my dog as baby Jesus in her church's play.
I once went to target high on hydrocodone. I assure you, they can handle unrespectable.
Randomize
