absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess
I just chased the everclear with Listerine...I think I found my new chaser!
should my penis look like a turkey
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
This is going to ruin my future wedding planner career, but isn't it better the groom knows he's gay BEFORE he gets married?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I'm looking for whatever I can find, and afford without having to eat my emotional support cat
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
Randomize
