And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Randomize
