hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
We are winners. And by winners I mean home wrecking sluts
Isn't that what our 20s r for?? Testing the strength of other people's shitty relationships?
As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.
I was judging you.
Just remember, Dont make worse choices than american flag pants to your own birthday party
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
What's sexier than showing up smelling like fast food cigarettes with a jar of moonshine in your hand
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
I woke up in the middle of the night on all fours turning circles in my bed! No more patron for me!
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
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