I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
Weird. Haha. I guess taking advice from batman is a good idea.
I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
You have no idea how pumped I am. I literally plan on dying. You're in my will
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
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