theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
dude. this chick is staring at me like i gave her brother herpes.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
I don't know, I think it's at least a minor achievement when you can light up with the guy who took your virginity and act like you didn't have and incredibly awkward sexual experience together
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Who knew that showing someone your boobs would make them stop crying.
Excuse me while I gouge out my eyes.
In which case my work here is done.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
