theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.
That's fun. I just masturbated and I swear my vagina creaked.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
Now that we have successfully procreated, I need to know we are on the same page. Please tell me you are aware that there are whole seasons of our lives that our child can NEVER be made privy to.
We should probably write this down. That's a shit load of shit.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
My new superpower is making fuckboys disappear!
Bending dicks and egos since 2002
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