i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage
oh dear god, that would be like watching to female walruses mate. We need to stop going to that lesbian bar...
drinking ice water after you brush your teeth, is like Antarctica blowing a load into your mouth.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
Well, somebody (me) put on reindeer antlers, crawled around on the floor, and meowed at people... So yeah, I'd say it was "one of those nights"
Yeah I had this grand plan to bring flaming dr pepper shots to some girls and say "these shots are hot, but not as hot as you" but instead I lit the bar on fire
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
I found an industrial strength sharpie in the drawer so I started writing BONER JAM 2014 on everyone's foreheads so they kicked me out
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
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