someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I do. There's a bald headed guy whose kinda hot. I might rub his head. I've only had 2 beers
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
I just saw an ad for "fair trade quinoa vodka". Fuck this world and everyone in it.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
When Dad gets to your house, ask him about the sound of anal beads. Happy Thanksgiving!
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
I like that they’re all named Christopher or Chris. No need to worry about moaning during!
Randomize
