I hate how you keep a running list of people who have seen me naked.
the last 2 times weve had drunk sex ive had to get the morning after pill.. he's turning into a real expensive fuck buddy.
You say "I'm in class" like it matters... I'm getting a little tired of having to smoke by myself at 4:20 because you're in class.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
They're showing aladdin at the bar my birthday is complete
I like the wholesome side of you
I'm so goddamned horny I could use all my pent up energy to tear a redwood out by its roots.
I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
