I'm drunk enough to talk Barbara Walters outta her panties
I checked into jail on foursquare
I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
I thought i lost my bra, but when i went back to help clean it was hanging up on the wall
I think I fucked up my elbow when I tried to fight off the paramedics.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I mean my dick does have feeling again, which is a step in the right direction
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
