yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
After I just paid $211 for my hair to be dyed and cut this guy at the bar said "I know you died your hair with koolaid, but I'd still fuck the shit out of you"
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
Also the girl beside me smells like she's been in a deep fryer.
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
Have you had an orgasm with an n95 mask on yet? It was better than being choked.
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