I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
This weekend i learned three things 1) skittles in vodka is good 2) it takes more than a roll of quarters to get a cab home 3) never tell a bartender to give you your change in actual change
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
You were throwing cups at people in the basement, yelling at them to get out of your swamp.
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
Ugh I realized he only responds to my snaps when I’m eating a popsicle
Why are male brains so small?
dude pick up your phone
i cant. im high and theres a wild turkey in my backyard. wouldnt miss this moment for anything
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
