It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
You were visibly distraught that my boyfriend and I didn't have sex in your bed. You forced us to take your condoms.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Right now, there's some ten year old kid getting ready to go outside and play basketball. He will soon find out his basketball hoop was no match for my car.
Swish.
who was i chillin with last night? i woke up in a storage unit
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Is there some sort of line being crossed when your shower activities start to involve jimmy johns?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
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