your parents love me but you hate me
if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.
Besides asking our teacher if he enjoyed being fisted did I have any other tragic moments last night?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?
considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Randomize
