I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
Is "when in doubt date the guy with the bigger dick" a good philosophy?
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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