I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
Hey Operation Dumbo Drop... FYI, when you select your date this evening, our doorway is 3'x7'
Yeah, you spent an hour in front of the mirror trying to reenact the Sailor Moon theme song.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Came home plastered at 8am. Roommate had hot glued all the ashtrays and various items to their surfaces. Couldn't handle it. Went back to the bar.
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
Randomize
