How was your Memorial Day?
Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
Ok, honestly? Periods can't be THAT bad, have you ever tried to shave a ball sack?!
Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
Surely the maintenance men have seen worse than that condom right
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
He jizzed all over my ID badge. HR is gonna be pissed...
how do you make "fuck me in the break room" sound casual?
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
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