Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
If I'm going to start compromising my butthole it's going to be for much better drugs than a ventolin
I'm giving you an age limit on the people you're allowed to hit on at steak n shake at 3 am. I can't see straight and I want a cheeseburger. You want dick. I'm sure we can't order at least one of those. But maybe.
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
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