Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
...I woke up with a yo yo in my underwear...
so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.
You should imdb "mourning wood" to see what I'm doing with my $80,000 English degree today
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I'm just so happy. I go to sleep and when I wake up there will be chocolate milk and penis.
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
