I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I really hope you get sexually violated by a pterodactyl tonight.
moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
wearing my roomate's scarf as a dress...halloween 2011 ladies and gentlemen
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
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