'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.
Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.
Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.
Just reminding you that you are currently drunk spooning a chair saying it "loves you unconditionally". No more rum.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Why is the toilet broken? Why did I wake up naked in the shower, hugging a bath mat? WHY IS THE TOILET BROKEN?
Is it just clogged or something?
No! There are actual chunks of toilet on the floor.
Randomize
