My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Dude best one night stand i woke she was cleaning our fridge while waiting for the cab to show
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
