Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Woke up with a full plate of KFC next to my face. I didn't really question it.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Yeah yeah I know I have to bring your dog back.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
I'm too pretty to be this sexually frustrated.
Randomize
