At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
Haha, you kept saying the cop was going to give you a ride home b/c "that's his job, it's summer."
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?
YES.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
Get over here and bring your drill!!! The strippers next door need help installing a stripper pole by their pool
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