2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
on a brighter note, the strip club found my atm card
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
Def just hooked up with my brother's senior prom date in his bed. Does that make me the worst brother ever?
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
I almost accidentally threw him out a window during sex last night.
Randomize
