I won a flip cup tournbment! Why is boot and rally so hard when youre old?
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
You better fucking tell me or I'm turning blow job week into go fuck yourself week.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
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