we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i cant even explain all the reasons why i dont want to fuck you right now.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.
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You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
I want to throw pennies on her stage, or just ripping up a dollor bill and throw them one at a time.
Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.
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I just accepted my offer to work as a camp counselor over the phone between shots of Fireball. This is going well for me so far.
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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