Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
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Please sleep at your girlfriend's tonight
Why?
'Cause I wanna jack off tonight.. And you being in the room makes things awkward
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.
I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.
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Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
There's a naked man in my car right now.
I was in a penguin suit. Dick out. I am confident in the value of my pic.
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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