Just woke up in bed, AC on high, with a fresh pack of smokes, an unopened pint of vodka, and a bag w a beef patty w cheese in it. I think my roommate's like the toothfairy or something. Or that was way more Xanax than I needed.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?
i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
then I ended up getting a lapdance from my TA...I love college.
I started keeping track of my period when I realized you had a better grasp of it than me.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
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