Remember when I use to call my dick 'the pendulum'
It is now the artist formerly known as 'insideyourgirlfriend'
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
Soooo we should kick it sometime when it's like light outside. Drink outta cups.. Be bitches. 7, 6, 3, 5.. 4, 2, 1... Sschhkiddaellladiieessscchk
When you glanced over and and mouthed "I'll take the fat chick" I knew it was going to be an epic Sunday night.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
Never let your siblings swipe right.
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"