Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
ok shes still asleep, should i pee on her and say she did it herself? and by the time you respond to this ill probably have already made the decision
At a bar where three women in denim shorts are debating techniques and skillsets for wrangling goats. You stay classy Delaware.
woke up with withdrawal cold sweats this morning. spring break must really be over.
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
It was the classiest, most strategic and inspired vomiting I've ever witnessed. Like a blind mans first sunrise. A priests first prayer. Or a virgins first orgasm.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
We should give each other good-luck-on-your-finals head in the morning.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
I am serious when I say I think I broke a rib having sex with Kyle. It might be puncturing my lung. No lie. I might die today.