Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
Oh yeah I meant to tell you the Tomb Raider looking girl so crop dusted me on the stairway
We put you in the box and you started to cry, that's how high you were.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I WILL go to space. And if we find aliens I WILL fuck one. It’s the Marine Corps way
Randomize
