How do I get over judging people who I would be exactly like if I had a boyfriend
Get a boyfriend
found the other keg... it's in the tree
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I just have to point out that once I typed "fa" my phone filled in "fatass"
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
Randomize
