I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough
I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.
You had the genius idea to tape beer to the celing fan. There goes his security deposit. He is gonna be fuckin pissed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
Wow. The LSU Tennessee game is on here and the LSU cheerleaders are stupid hot. Its weird having a hard on. At a bar. On a Wednesday. By yourself.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
