I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I'm debating a nap but also debating breaking into the liquor cabinet
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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