You know how I know he's a virgin? He's wearing transition lenses.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
I need to establish a pattern of dominance early.... I'm like a slutty Cesar Milan
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
Monday funday. I brushed my teeth with antibacterial soap. hangover I did not have.
Thanks for coming over. I'm sorry everyone else was vomiting. Thank you for not vomiting. I love you.
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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