using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.
I shaved my pubes to make my cock look like it has a lions mane. to surprise the girl that works at the zoo when she comes over.
She is totally STD
Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
his genitalia just looks like a thumbs up. a really really small thumbs up.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
You guys crashed sarahs vespa into a snowbank and its still there. not cool.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.
Hey I was just wondering if you could go look for my teeth?
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
totally just bought a bottle of gin with nothing but change
don't ever let anyone tell you that youre not 100% class
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