is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her
the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
I just made my roommate a 'Hope you don't have chlamydia' cake.
Make one for john too.
I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
I just put together something from IKEA so that’s mandatory oral for a week.
Randomize
