So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.
I will now attempt to shave my public hair into a Christmas tree.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
There's times when I need to be plowed... and I'm ashamed to admit auto correct was able to predict that entire sentence.
it was so good i reconsidered my staunch atheism
I now know he's been cheating for a while. I also know HER name, address, phone number, Facebook account, religion and zodiac sign. I feel like I'm earning my restraining order. Point is, never fuck over a librarian.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
