i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Get in the lobby, you have to sign my boxers
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
All I've done for this 11 hour car ride is kegel and listen to our sex playlist so your dick better be good and ready
Hooked up with a guy that looked like Dean Thomas. Mediocre at best, but I stopped myself from calling him Dean in bed. So I got that going for me.
Found the cure to anxiety attacks.
An orgasm
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
She caught me by google maps... Lets just say it wasnt her car in front of the house.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Randomize
