i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i've decided that sluts are like cars. they may look good as hell on the outside, but you never know what kind of shit is hiding under the hood.
wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....
So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far
Sounds better than last semester
I just got cash back from buying a pregnancy test so that I can buy a case of joose. My life is in shambles.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Can we just cry and dive into a couch-sized bag of sadness-chips, dip them in a la-z-boy sized jar of depression salsa while watching a show called 'Forget Your Hopes and Dreams, Just Kill Yourself'?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
Randomize
