non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
So thanks to the xanax and vodka memory erasering combo i wake up only to reopen a picture of some very familiar balls
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
We watched game of thrones, broke up and I drove away blasting ridin solo while he dougied
I want to get "Patrick Kane" wasted tonight
I am one hundred percent down for that
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
I accidentally sent my dad a very explicit Star Wars fanfiction and he replied with "That was great!"
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
just found a picture from last night.
the one of you riding a horse with nothing but a bulletproof vest on?
uhm.... no?...
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Randomize
