Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
Had a drunk dream about being in a six story taco bell. Oh my god the menu was incredibleeee
I wish a night of watching Dear John and a bottle of wine could cure my herpes.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.
Thanks for getting me stoned. My manager started quizzing me about the menu and I struggled until he asked me to describe the tortilla soup. I said "tasty"
Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?
Like alphabetically I'd say a v
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
So I almost broadcasted the porn from my phone to the boardroom chrome cast
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
Randomize
