I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Can you hurry up? Jamie just challenged my ex boyfriend to a duel and someone honest to God handed her a sword?
She didn't have her own?
The cops high fived after they tackled you
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
