I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
You sent me a picture of you holding a goat then asked me if I would have day sex
well i mean she can't stop a weed based friendship...its like a trying to stop a bomb or a really fast train...
No, this place just freaks me out. Like I feel like ill get pregnant just being here. And all those pregnant bellies. It's weird.
You're asking your pregnant booty call to go to a funeral with you?
I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
