Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
She has this wild look other eyes like she wouldn't be afraid to commit a felony.
You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b
We started off talking about nice cuddling and you turned it into fucking with a Santa hat on...
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
Randomize
