On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?
it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
It feels like New Years Day all over again...me trying desperately not to throw up in the backseat & mom and dad blissfully unaware in the front
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
I accidentally called my professor daddy...and I think he liked it. Help, I'm scared.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
I just changed all my morning alarms to wake me up with different Jesse McCartney songs telling me I'm beautiful. Would you believe I'll be 25 this year?
Like pizza and mermaids make up about 1/3 of my thoughts on the weekends.
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
Randomize
