if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
BUT YOU MUST FINISH YOUR QUEST
TO FIND THE HOLY GRAIL
AND GET DRUNK OFF YOUR ASS BY DRINKING OUT OF IT
Our host-mom was rubbing her back sympathetically going "muy bien, chica" while she puked on the beach. So yeah, I think we got the best one.
I'm craving your dick and a microwave pizza
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
This is the worst drive ever. Im hungry, hungover, i gotta shit so bad, and the only radio station im getting clearly is playing alvin and the chipmunks christmas songs
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
